Revisiting...

I found this, started a couple of weeks ago, sitting on the 'edit' pile of the Teapot - waiting for something to happen!:

There are some days when I love being a priest; when it feels like I'm doing the thing I was created to do; when both the 'duty and the joy' are a privilege. But on other days I ponder towards God, "what on earth were you thinking when you nudged me in this direction?" You see, I'm not a very dynamic sort of person, I don't have great plans and big ideas (in fact I'm a detail person for whom the 'big picture' often seems discouraging and daunting!). Now despite all that, I do know that God has given me gifts and talents, but some days I just don't want the responsibility.

And then I carried on with some specifics which I've deleted, but which indicate what a balancing act so many aspects of life (and here, ministry) are. The need for something tangible to assess held against the fact that so much pastoring/shepherding happens behind closed doors - in secret - those private conversations that may make a difference to someone but don't necessarily put more 'bums on seats' or pounds in the koffers. The fact that God at work in a particular place may be small scale, held against the fact that when he's at work the church grows? That dilemma of whether to look for human success criteria, or wait for the 'well done good and faithful servant' - assuming here that they're not the same.

It's interesting to read the biographies of Christians whose lives have had significance and an impact on the church in some way - and forget all the challenges which are skimmed over in two paragraphs on page 82. And to wonder, "what does God want to do through me?" And then you look at a bunch of His people in the Bible and see that they made a hash of things - but God still used them. 'Success' through plans and 'doing it right' or success by sticking it out and trusting that God will do it!
See-saws all the way, but I know which side I prefer!